Well I guess I’m not done talking writing about this friendship topic. Lucky you?!?
I feel like I have more to sort out. It isn’t specific to the “deletor” (lol at that word again – and actually, on that note, I’ve recently realized I’ve been more than deleted. I’m blocked. So she is actually a “blocker”.) But she definitely initiated this thought process. I’ll give credit where credit is due – although I don’t know that anyone would want to take credit for any of this crazy rambling… And in thinking about that, there is another friend that deserves some credit in all this friendship talk, but I haven’t talked to her about calling her out on my blog, so we’ll leave that alone for now ;0)
Anyhoo… More thinking has presented more questions. Joy!
If a tree falls in the forest and… oh… haha!... just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention!
What IS friendship? I mean, what has to happen for a friendship to exist? I thought I knew… but now looking over things, I don’t know that I really do.
Do friendships need monthly communication? Or weekly? Or even daily? What does that commnunication look like? Verbal, Text, even Facebook? Do you have to physically see someone to continue a friendship? If so, how often? Do your boundaries within a friendship have to be the same or can different expectations exist? Do boundaries eventually evolve into walls? Can assumptions create rifts and walls that are unnecessary?
What I’m starting to realize is – aha moment here! – my definition of friendship is different from others definitions and different for me depending on the friend involved. Make sense?
I think examples may help…
I have friends that I don’t talk to for months, but when we do talk, it’s like no time has passed. We pick right up where we left off. It works. I miss them at times, but things in our lives have changed, and I’m okay with that. Really, I have to be okay with that to stay on track and maintain that friendship, right?
I have friends I talk to almost daily. Some via phone, some via text, others via facebook (dreaded fb again!). These people I hardly ever see, in person. Again, it hasn’t always been that way, but it works now, for the most part.
I have friends that I actually see once or twice, or even three times, a week. Some of them are very close friends that I confide quite a bit in, and others are not. Some of those people I look forward to seeing and hearing their advice, and others… uh… not so much.
There are people that I consider myself “close with” that I hardly ever see. Some of those people are actually my first line of contact should anything catastrophic happen. A few of them, I don’t know what I’d do without. They’re great friends. And there are people that I see all the time that I don’t really even know. I share some common interests. We are at a similar spot in our lives. That has made us friends.
I know I’m kinda spinning in circles with all this talk right now – I guess I’m just trying to sort it out.
Because all of that leads me to this…
Can you be stay friends with someone whose “definition of friendship” is different?
If someone needs a weekly call, and I don’t have time for that right now – Can the friendship be maintained?
If I need to physically see a friend, to really know them, and we can’t figure out any time to make that happen – Can the friendship continue to grow?
If I have expectations of honesty and “real-ness” and someone doesn’t feel comfortable providing that all the time – Can real communication exist?
I think that the answers may be no.
And that kinda scares me…
Life changes. Things happen. People move. Children mature and grow and get involved in different activities. Seasons, stages, times all evolve… and relationships can evolve with them, or cease to exist…
I’m finding that some people are along for the ride, regardless of what else happens in my life. And some people may be quick to jump ship if things change for me.
I’m also finding that my feelings and views on friendship might need a little tweaking if I want to keep the friends I have. I’m willing to do some work, although I can’t budge on some of my sticking points. Call those boundaries, or walls, but they’re probably not budging.
Blessings
351. A fun filled weekend ahead
352. Time to sort my thoughts
353. Anticipation of seeing some old friends this weekend
354. A nice comment from a friend last night
355. A wonderful Ash Wednesday service at our church
356. Understanding people around us during Madeline’s lack of cooperation during the service
357. Fellowship over a soup and bread supper
358. An unexpected call from my sister-in-law
359. Words of advice and understanding (both ways)
360. The Lenten season
361. The unimaginable sacrifice of Our Father in giving us His Son
362. Growth in God
363. The order of creation
364. Michael’s “umbrella of protection”
365. Words of explanation that came to me during Bible study today
366. Laughter (again)
367. Smiles on my girls faces
368. A clean kitchen
369. Pizza night
370. Fish fry tomorrow night
Friends are those who see us at our worst, don't talk to us for periods of time, who go through our ups and downs with us and we with them. They love us regardless. We can disagree, fight, argue, hang up on one another, but one thing that perseveres is LOVE!!!!!!! A friend rides the roller coaster of life with one another, the good with the bad and indifferent. We are individuals with individual opinions, ideas, beliefs etc., but we love NO MATTER WHAT! Friends do have healthy boundaries and respect each other. That is what a friend is to me. I allow mine to be where they are in their moment in time, either we meet at a mid way point, I go to them or they come to me...it does not matter how we unite. All that matters is that we do.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm learning about boundaries is that they can not be the same for everyone, or every friendship.
ReplyDeleteI have lived a lot of my life letting my boundaries become a box for me... either you are a "tell everything to" friend or a distant casual aquaintance.
But really the varieties of friendships is truly endless. And what my boundaries are with person A will not at all look like my boundaries with person B.
It is most important that the boundaries that are safe with me for person A match the boundaries they set up for me back.
If Friend A tells me everything, inside out and upside down and I do the same, then the friendship works.
If person B wants to talk once a week and so do I, then the friendship works.
Problems happen when the boundaries that keep you safe (be it from personality differences, circumstances, spiritual beliefs, what have you) are not matched because you bounce into each others lines and it causes conflict.
I am learning that even if I call two different people my best friends we will not have the same boundaries because our pasts are different, our humor, personalities, sore spots, temptations, etc.
For example- I may have a friend who is an alcoholic. I'm not going to drink with them. But that doesn't mean because I drink, I should write them out of my life because my boundary for myself is that I can drink. It means in that friendship, my boundary includes not drinking. But with someone else, we can share a bottle of wine and laugh all night.
Whew- I had NO idea I had so much to say when I started typing.... LOL!