I am insecure. I've known that for awhile now. Well, I think I've known it forever. Although, recently, it has become more and more glaringly evident. And to be honest, it's totally freaking me out...
I'm insecure about my looks... Maybe everyone is? Or, more likely, maybe I hope everyone is so that I don't feel more insecure about feeling insecure. I'm not happy about my hair AT ALL (that's a whole other story)! My body is not nearly in the shape I'd like it to be. I guess 3 babies in 4 years will do that to a girl. I wish I was taller. And more muscular. I'd like prettier hands and feet. Ugh! I would never think to leave my house without makeup! EVER! I just read an article about the circles of people in your life. It said that your inner circle of friends are the ones that see you with no makeup. Uh... Not true in my case... Not unless I've stayed overnight, but even then, after brushing my teeth, I always at least put some pressed powder on. Man, maybe that's not insecure, maybe that's an illness...
I'm insecure about my family. Now, don't gasp so loud there! I don't mean that quite how it sounds. I'm so proud of my girls and my husband! I get insecure when we're out and we get those comments - "WOW! 3 little girls! You guys sure have your hands full!" "You must really stay busy with 3 kids under 4!" OH BLAH!!!! Leave me alone! Don't judge what we have going on here. We have been blessed with the most wonderful children on the planet. Yes, maybe, I had them close together, so what? And my husband... He's awesome! But (you had to know that but was coming) he has a tendency to be a bit immature. He's been known to say things that are a bit ridiculous at times, and totally embarrass me. I think it's a game he plays. He probably keeps track of how many different shades of red my face can turn.
I'm insecure about my social status. Hmmm... How to explain that... My husband has busted his butt to get where he is today. If you asked him 4 years ago where he'd be today, he would never ever have guessed this. But sometimes, I feel like people expect us to live in this glorious house, with perfect things, on a tree-lined street, with a white picket fence... Such is NOT my life. While I'll admit we do have a nice house, it was repossession. Yea, it's brand new, but we didn't build it. We practically stole it from the bank. See... even on my blog I'm trying to justify things... Truth is, We work hard! We have a nice house because that's what we have made a priority. We don't vacation, or have a boat, or a 4-wheeler, or even a garage (yet). But, I panic when people (even family) make plans to come over. I run around in a frenzy, straightening and tidying and dusting and sweeping and mopping and wiping and making myself totally crazy! And even when I'm finished I can look around at any given point and see at least a dozen things I overlooked or I'm not proud of because they're not complete.
I'm insecure about my faith. That's a BIGGIE! I'm starting to surround myself with people that believe the same things I do, but practice it on a much higher level. That's making me feel icky? Well, kinda? I keep telling myself that I'll get there. I keep reminding myself that Satan is working on me. He's trying to beat me down, make me feel unworthy, so that I'll throw in the towel. I go to 2 Bible studies now! Ha Ha Satan! And everyone I have met has been truly wonderful, open and caring. So I totally know it's ME. I struggle with feeling less than because I'm not "there" yet. I'm working on it, pushing towards it, but I just haven't reached "that" point yet. Although, in typing that now, I'm not sure I'll even know when I have reached "that" point. This is some kind of a vicious circle.
God has a lot of work... Let me rephrase that... I have a lot of work to do with God to get through all these things. Good thing I don't have a deadline to meet. I've got FOREVER with Him!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Day #6 - Reflection Can't Hurt
I've been doing a whole lot of reflecting today... Sometimes bad news seems to do that for me...
Heard from a friend about another pregnancy loss. Actually, not technically a loss as of this moment, but it is just a matter of time. These people have also lost a home in a house fire, this week! I don't know them personally, but in reading the prayer request email I received, I was literally brought to my knees...
The entire miserable sad story really got me thinking about my faith... And others faith... And really questioning things.
Michael and I believe in God. We want our children to grow up knowing that Jesus Christ lived and died for their sins. I am a spiritual person, although I have strayed from doing the "right thing" far more than I care to admit sometimes. I did not grow up in a church, or even in a home where God was discussed daily, weekly, or even monthly. I was baptised, but that was last year. Michael, on the other hand, was raised Lutheran, has been through cathecism and confirmation. But I'm sure if you asked him, he would tell you he definitely has not always done what God has expected of him. He was just invited to be in a Bible study and declined the invitation. (I haven't really discussed that with him, because I'm pretty sure we'd end up in a heated discussion and I'm not in the mood for that any time soon...)
I will admit that I'm one of those people that leans on God when it feels like the right thing to do... Usually not when things are going awesomely (not a word, I'm sure), not when things are just fair and normal and everyday... A lot of the time, it's when things have gone terribly ary and I just don't know what else to do but "Let Go and Let God".
But we have been blessed. Michael and I are so extremely lucky! We have a wonderful family, 3 beautiful healthy little girls. He has an amazing job. A job that allows me to be a stay at home mom and raise my little darlings to be everything God has planned for them. Don't get me wrong, we've gone thru some stuff... I was a single parent, for almost a year, while Michael worked a job that had him traveling all week, every week. After we moved to Ohio and we had Lauren, I suffered from severe post-partum depression and Michael was working 70 hr work weeks for his plant start-up. We suffered through some family nonsense, just like most people I know. Somehow though, things always end up perfectly.
My pregnancies, none of the 3, were planned. They were all wonderful though, no complications, no problems during birth, not even any morning sickness. And of course, I hated most every minute of being pregnant. Did I pray then? Not a single time that I can think of, off the top of my head.
That brings me to today. The horrible news that brought me to tears and dropped me to my knees. I don't know the couple personally. The family members of theirs that I know, are very spiritual. (Actually, the person I received the email from is the reason why I am in a Bible study on Monday nights.) So, I'm assuming that the family is probably Christian... And I'll even go so far as to say I'd bet they're walking a bit closer with God than Michael and I do...
So WHY? Why does it seem like things like this happen to the people that you'd never expect them to? Why does God allow the people that worship Him the most to sometimes suffer the most? How do Michael and I seem to reap all the blessings and not do any of the up-front leg work? Why am I any more worthy of these beautiful little blessings I named Kate, Lauren, and Madeline than anyone else in the world that prays nightly for a miracle baby?
I think I have some praying to do...
Heard from a friend about another pregnancy loss. Actually, not technically a loss as of this moment, but it is just a matter of time. These people have also lost a home in a house fire, this week! I don't know them personally, but in reading the prayer request email I received, I was literally brought to my knees...
The entire miserable sad story really got me thinking about my faith... And others faith... And really questioning things.
Michael and I believe in God. We want our children to grow up knowing that Jesus Christ lived and died for their sins. I am a spiritual person, although I have strayed from doing the "right thing" far more than I care to admit sometimes. I did not grow up in a church, or even in a home where God was discussed daily, weekly, or even monthly. I was baptised, but that was last year. Michael, on the other hand, was raised Lutheran, has been through cathecism and confirmation. But I'm sure if you asked him, he would tell you he definitely has not always done what God has expected of him. He was just invited to be in a Bible study and declined the invitation. (I haven't really discussed that with him, because I'm pretty sure we'd end up in a heated discussion and I'm not in the mood for that any time soon...)
I will admit that I'm one of those people that leans on God when it feels like the right thing to do... Usually not when things are going awesomely (not a word, I'm sure), not when things are just fair and normal and everyday... A lot of the time, it's when things have gone terribly ary and I just don't know what else to do but "Let Go and Let God".
But we have been blessed. Michael and I are so extremely lucky! We have a wonderful family, 3 beautiful healthy little girls. He has an amazing job. A job that allows me to be a stay at home mom and raise my little darlings to be everything God has planned for them. Don't get me wrong, we've gone thru some stuff... I was a single parent, for almost a year, while Michael worked a job that had him traveling all week, every week. After we moved to Ohio and we had Lauren, I suffered from severe post-partum depression and Michael was working 70 hr work weeks for his plant start-up. We suffered through some family nonsense, just like most people I know. Somehow though, things always end up perfectly.
My pregnancies, none of the 3, were planned. They were all wonderful though, no complications, no problems during birth, not even any morning sickness. And of course, I hated most every minute of being pregnant. Did I pray then? Not a single time that I can think of, off the top of my head.
That brings me to today. The horrible news that brought me to tears and dropped me to my knees. I don't know the couple personally. The family members of theirs that I know, are very spiritual. (Actually, the person I received the email from is the reason why I am in a Bible study on Monday nights.) So, I'm assuming that the family is probably Christian... And I'll even go so far as to say I'd bet they're walking a bit closer with God than Michael and I do...
So WHY? Why does it seem like things like this happen to the people that you'd never expect them to? Why does God allow the people that worship Him the most to sometimes suffer the most? How do Michael and I seem to reap all the blessings and not do any of the up-front leg work? Why am I any more worthy of these beautiful little blessings I named Kate, Lauren, and Madeline than anyone else in the world that prays nightly for a miracle baby?
I think I have some praying to do...
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