Monday, July 30, 2012

Day #48 - A Day (or more like 2 weeks) In The Life of Me


3 girls “resting” on 3 different levels of our home = the perfect opportunity for this mommy to sit down with her new laptop to type/sort out some thoughts/have some quiet time alone.

We have had A LOT going on the last few weeks… A LOT! There have been times in my life that I’ve felt like we don’t have much going on. That has all changed as of late.

It started with an almost weeklong visit from a cousin who lives in Maryland. She lost her dad (my Uncle Buzz) 3 years ago and likes to stay busy when the anniversary of his death arrives. So, she came to visit us along with her husband and 3 boys. It was a great week, filled with a lot of fun, laughter and reminiscing. Memories were made, a few drinks were consumed and promises to get together every year were exchanged. We do need to make that happen!

The eve of her leaving (Friday), we received some sickening news that a friend at our church was going to be leaving prematurely. Michael and I have become quite close with him so it was a shock to us. But he had some health issues that needed to be handled immediately… so we spent the morning of my families last day with us, without them, but in church with our church family praying for safe travels, good news from doctors, and strength for our friend during whatever comes to pass. It was a beautiful service, filled with many, many, many tears… that left me feeling a bit overwhelmed, but faithful… trusting in the Lord to wrap His arms around all of us.

Two days later, VBS started. Kate and Lauren had an absolutely fantastic time! The 3 days were filled with song, prayer, puppet shows, crafts, snacks and a lot of fun. I’m so proud of my big girls and feel so blessed to have found such a wonderful church home for them (and for us!). Madeline and I spent our mornings in the nursery. She played with the other little ones and I had some time to just sit and relax with the moms there. It was truly wonderful, and just what I needed.

Wednesday, we received more hard news. Michael’s brother, who has a month old little baby girl, was rushed to the hospital. He was light-headed, and having chest pains. Long story short, he had a collapsed lung. Yesterday, we drove over to visit him in the hospital, see the new baby, and support his wife. He’s in surgery now as I type.

Woooo!!!

On top of all that, my dad is waiting in Indiana right now for a flight to Afghanistan for the next year (or two)… We need to buy a new mattress and box springs for Lauren’s bed (which we found out was broken AFTER we just dropped money on this new laptop)… The van is burning oil so we might be car shopping soon… And we’re trying to get some things figured out with our cell phone, satellite tv, internet service situation (living in the middle of nowhere doesn’t leave a whole lot of options)

I guess things were running smoothly for so long that I forgot how to handle all this drama and craziness. I’m sure we’re all going to be fine. I do know that everything will work out. Prayers would definitely help though. Please? And thanks!

Blessings
471. Our church family
472. Great friends
473. Family time
474. Great grilled meals
475. Cooking with my husband
476. Swimming with the girls
477. Kate’s new-found outgoing nature
478. Lauren’s beautiful eyes
479. The progress with Madeline’s talking
480. Company which causes me to clean floors
481. A clean house
482. Michael losing a bet with me and cleaning the toilets
483. Evening talks
484. Summer Olympics
485. Long car rides
486. Watching the girls enjoy the beach
487. Making plans for next summer
488. Looking forward to college football
489. Beautiful weather
490. Freshly mowed grass

Monday, July 2, 2012

Day #47 - Floundering

I'm in a place... I'd like to say it's not familiar... but unfortunately that's not the case. Although... in typing that, I realize that if this was new, maybe I'd be feeling a bit scared. And I'm not scared. I've been here all too often.

Funk. Anxiety. Rough patch. Restlessness. Breathlessness. Stir crazed. Uncomfortable. Unsure. Limbo. Roller coaster. Longest day of my life.

All those words describe it. But I know unless you've been here, you don't get it.

I've been trying to push it down for a few days now, shove it out of my mind, make it disappear... but I know better... If it was that simple I'd keep it hidden all the time.

The puzzling thing is, after dealing with this so many times, it seems like I could figure out why it happens, what to do to prevent it or at least alleviate it, or even how to know how long it's going to last. I have yet to figure out how to do any of those things.

I've spent the morning picking things up, sweeping, doing dishes, the same daily tasks... but it looms... it's over me like a dark cloud... trying to suck me in... trying to convince me that I just need to retreat, go back to bed, cry, bury my head and sink in deeper.

Today, I'm struggling... but I know that tomorrow could be brighter... I know that tomorrow possibly this will all be a distant memory... and yet somehow that doesn't reassure me enough to clear my mind.

1000's of thoughts... mind crippling really...

And the sticking point - I have NOTHING to be upset about. MJ just turned 2 yesterday. We had an absolutely beautiful weekend as a family. We finally got some rain so the grass is greening up a it. The girls are sitting at my feet looking at our wedding album. I'm babysitting another little girl today that is a joy. The sun is shining.

But I'll say this, in listing all that, it almost brings me to a worse place. Why can I feel so stuck when everything happening is wonderful? Why can't I enjoy this moment instead of wishing it away? What else is there? What do I need to stop the madness, the anxiety, the pull into depression?

I'll throw this out there too - I'm ok. I'm not as bad as all this probably sounds. I just felt a pull to share, to relate, just in case someone else is there too. And maybe to look back on, and smile, because when this passes, as I know it will, I'll feel renewed, invigorated, and proud of myself for sharing it in such a public way.

Today, I'll pray.

Please God bring me peace. Help me to pull myself out of this miserable state. I need your guidance to clear my head and clear my heart. I know that as a child of yours, you are always with me, always walking with me and lighting the way. In the name of your son, Jesus Christ, AMEN!