I am insecure. I've known that for awhile now. Well, I think I've known it forever. Although, recently, it has become more and more glaringly evident. And to be honest, it's totally freaking me out...
I'm insecure about my looks... Maybe everyone is? Or, more likely, maybe I hope everyone is so that I don't feel more insecure about feeling insecure. I'm not happy about my hair AT ALL (that's a whole other story)! My body is not nearly in the shape I'd like it to be. I guess 3 babies in 4 years will do that to a girl. I wish I was taller. And more muscular. I'd like prettier hands and feet. Ugh! I would never think to leave my house without makeup! EVER! I just read an article about the circles of people in your life. It said that your inner circle of friends are the ones that see you with no makeup. Uh... Not true in my case... Not unless I've stayed overnight, but even then, after brushing my teeth, I always at least put some pressed powder on. Man, maybe that's not insecure, maybe that's an illness...
I'm insecure about my family. Now, don't gasp so loud there! I don't mean that quite how it sounds. I'm so proud of my girls and my husband! I get insecure when we're out and we get those comments - "WOW! 3 little girls! You guys sure have your hands full!" "You must really stay busy with 3 kids under 4!" OH BLAH!!!! Leave me alone! Don't judge what we have going on here. We have been blessed with the most wonderful children on the planet. Yes, maybe, I had them close together, so what? And my husband... He's awesome! But (you had to know that but was coming) he has a tendency to be a bit immature. He's been known to say things that are a bit ridiculous at times, and totally embarrass me. I think it's a game he plays. He probably keeps track of how many different shades of red my face can turn.
I'm insecure about my social status. Hmmm... How to explain that... My husband has busted his butt to get where he is today. If you asked him 4 years ago where he'd be today, he would never ever have guessed this. But sometimes, I feel like people expect us to live in this glorious house, with perfect things, on a tree-lined street, with a white picket fence... Such is NOT my life. While I'll admit we do have a nice house, it was repossession. Yea, it's brand new, but we didn't build it. We practically stole it from the bank. See... even on my blog I'm trying to justify things... Truth is, We work hard! We have a nice house because that's what we have made a priority. We don't vacation, or have a boat, or a 4-wheeler, or even a garage (yet). But, I panic when people (even family) make plans to come over. I run around in a frenzy, straightening and tidying and dusting and sweeping and mopping and wiping and making myself totally crazy! And even when I'm finished I can look around at any given point and see at least a dozen things I overlooked or I'm not proud of because they're not complete.
I'm insecure about my faith. That's a BIGGIE! I'm starting to surround myself with people that believe the same things I do, but practice it on a much higher level. That's making me feel icky? Well, kinda? I keep telling myself that I'll get there. I keep reminding myself that Satan is working on me. He's trying to beat me down, make me feel unworthy, so that I'll throw in the towel. I go to 2 Bible studies now! Ha Ha Satan! And everyone I have met has been truly wonderful, open and caring. So I totally know it's ME. I struggle with feeling less than because I'm not "there" yet. I'm working on it, pushing towards it, but I just haven't reached "that" point yet. Although, in typing that now, I'm not sure I'll even know when I have reached "that" point. This is some kind of a vicious circle.
God has a lot of work... Let me rephrase that... I have a lot of work to do with God to get through all these things. Good thing I don't have a deadline to meet. I've got FOREVER with Him!
Please don't put your Bible Study friends up on a "higher level." As long as you are right with God and are trying to learn His word and follow His ways....you are one of us! Don't be ashamed or embarrassed; we love you for who you are and for what you bring to the group. God is working in all of us in different ways. And Satan is working in all of us too (unfortunately). We have to hold strong together with the hope that God will prevail!
ReplyDeleteWhere two or more are gathered in his name, let no one come against. Power comes with numbers. You are being much too hard on yourself sweetie. I know exactly how it feels. I have been going through the same things lately. Bitter sweet pill, but perseverance has carried me with my God. He has not brought me this far to drop me off. I just have to always stay in the light and realize I am human and not perfect. Place no human on a higher level than yourself, we all fall short of his glory. He died for our sins, he does not expect us to die physically for our sins. He has you right where he wants you! Aware, questioning yourself and your motives, cleansing you. Glory glory glory!. Continue to do the next right thing and he will reward you. When I come to your house, I do not care what it looks like. For myself, I cannot clean up the outside to feel better about my insides. I do not judge myself in comparison to the outsides of others. God knows our heart. He is always with you. Baby steps, love yourself just as you are. I remember when you were born, I felt the same way. I would never go out to the mailbox without putting makeup on. Today, I usually don't even bother with makeup unless going to work or special event. Meetings, grocery store, gas station, anywhere I go, I just take me as I am. Who cares what I look like. How am I feeling on the inside. Am I okay with ME?!!!! I had to practice this for a long time, now I am almost too lazy to be bothered with my outside appearance. I know I am beautiful inside and out with or without makeup and nice clothes. Satan is truly trying to keep us all locked in fleshly beliefs and desires. You have one beautiful house, family, friends and life. Don't complicate it. Acceptance is the key. I love you just like you are. Look at me, I have always had my baby rolls, even when I was in the grip of despair and evil. I was never good enough. NOT TRUE>Go away devil, you do not own me today. Positive affirmations work. Practice. I love you my beautiful, kind, loving daughter. I feel about you the same way you feel about your girls. I have the greatest children in the world and so extremely proud.
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