Day #47 - Floundering

I'm in a place... I'd like to say it's not familiar... but unfortunately that's not the case. Although... in typing that, I realize that if this was new, maybe I'd be feeling a bit scared. And I'm not scared. I've been here all too often.

Funk. Anxiety. Rough patch. Restlessness. Breathlessness. Stir crazed. Uncomfortable. Unsure. Limbo. Roller coaster. Longest day of my life.

All those words describe it. But I know unless you've been here, you don't get it.

I've been trying to push it down for a few days now, shove it out of my mind, make it disappear... but I know better... If it was that simple I'd keep it hidden all the time.

The puzzling thing is, after dealing with this so many times, it seems like I could figure out why it happens, what to do to prevent it or at least alleviate it, or even how to know how long it's going to last. I have yet to figure out how to do any of those things.

I've spent the morning picking things up, sweeping, doing dishes, the same daily tasks... but it looms... it's over me like a dark cloud... trying to suck me in... trying to convince me that I just need to retreat, go back to bed, cry, bury my head and sink in deeper.

Today, I'm struggling... but I know that tomorrow could be brighter... I know that tomorrow possibly this will all be a distant memory... and yet somehow that doesn't reassure me enough to clear my mind.

1000's of thoughts... mind crippling really...

And the sticking point - I have NOTHING to be upset about. MJ just turned 2 yesterday. We had an absolutely beautiful weekend as a family. We finally got some rain so the grass is greening up a it. The girls are sitting at my feet looking at our wedding album. I'm babysitting another little girl today that is a joy. The sun is shining.

But I'll say this, in listing all that, it almost brings me to a worse place. Why can I feel so stuck when everything happening is wonderful? Why can't I enjoy this moment instead of wishing it away? What else is there? What do I need to stop the madness, the anxiety, the pull into depression?

I'll throw this out there too - I'm ok. I'm not as bad as all this probably sounds. I just felt a pull to share, to relate, just in case someone else is there too. And maybe to look back on, and smile, because when this passes, as I know it will, I'll feel renewed, invigorated, and proud of myself for sharing it in such a public way.

Today, I'll pray.

Please God bring me peace. Help me to pull myself out of this miserable state. I need your guidance to clear my head and clear my heart. I know that as a child of yours, you are always with me, always walking with me and lighting the way. In the name of your son, Jesus Christ, AMEN!